I've been having shifts in perspective since 2020. Being forced out of work and having a break from the modeling environment, I realized how much photographer behavior was actually inappropriate -- even from some of the professionals. In past posts you may have read about my irritation with discussions of pubic hair. I've decided that those conversations were totally out of line, and I will no longer entertain them. It was actually quite normal to me. It didn't have to be.
When I began shooting again last year, I worked with a new photographer who requested a racist theme, and I refused to do that look. When I showed up to the shoot, I'd realized I'd forgotten another look on the list actually made me very uncomfortable. The first concept made me worry about how I'd look to other people. The second one has affected how I look at myself. I powered through, afraid of pushing back too many times and being labeled hard to work with. I'm pretty easy-going at shoots, and I laugh off a lot more than I even should.
I felt physically repulsed by the theme, knowing I was failing the child I once was and wanted to protect at all costs. Because my body was on high alert, some of the things he said really disturbed me. It was clear he was shooting his own fetish, not just campy tropes. Every time the photographer tagged me after the shoot, I got upset and immediately untagged myself. Today I realized how sick of it all I was, and told him that it made me uncomfortable. I asked him not to tag me in them. I'm not waiting for am answer.
Another photographer I worked with recently asked me to do POV erotica -- masturbation. I told him I'd think about it. I did. I decided I didn't want to, and probably never will. I don't know this photographer very well and never will. It turns out the shots would be going behind a paywall. Profits from work like that should be going to me. I should be choosing what sites I collaborate with. Either way, after I shared that I wasn't willing to do that, he was no longer interested in shooting me. "Next time," but I doubt it will ever come. I'm disturbed by photographers that don't just hire erotic models for erotic shoots. Leave the ones like me alone. The past 6 years have shown me how much people really do get off on coercion, and I felt violated after this interaction.
I'm a lot older now, and maybe less people will be booking me soon. But I'm grateful to know what I am and what I'm unwilling to tolerate. I won't make the mistake of keeping my mouth shut out of fear of coming off the wrong way ever again. Even if I need the money.
I also am committed to honoring my natural hair texture. A lot of people aren't aware of my background, but I want it to be clear how important it is that I embrace it.
I'd like to have a new reputation, one of someone that you can trust to show up with any kind of look and know you'll get amazing photos. I know it's my job to be a flexible template to get these concepts across, but I'm tired of playing dress-up just to fulfill really dry concepts. I'd much rather be flexible and free to pose as I'm inspired to.
I really do love modeling and strive to give it my full effort every time I show up. I want to keep loving it.
Anyway, that's all. You probably won't hear from me on here again until I decide to retire.
