On Thorough Reading, Paid Work, Hobbies, and Nipples.

I've been in a pretty sour mood all week. I should probably avoid the internet, really.

I am one of the few models that reads profiles. And castings. In full. I've shot hundreds of times, with God knows how many people by now. I know that most often, people don't read profiles or castings in full... photographers are constantly asking me to reiterate things I've clarified on my profile, with emboldened sections for the sake of ease. I know when people aren't accepting trade offers, and I don't flat-out ask. I will say, if there are any projects in the future that fit my look, please keep me in mind... and that's daring, for me. In my mind, lately, I'm being treated like stupid.

When there are two paths: A. Model is knowledgeable and informed B. Another fucking model didn't read/lacks experience, people seem to default on B. That's because in most instances, it probably is. It kind of blows my mind sometimes, under Casting Calls. Or maybe, the person doesn't realize there are more options given social conditioning (socially, male > female, photographer > model), or perhaps it just doesn't occur to them. I'll try to be more understanding, but it's still quite frustrating.

I would never call myself a professional model. I'll say that if I happen to fall into a line of professional behavior, that is wonderful. But unfortunately that fools people into how seriously I take myself. I try to be considerate of time wasted, and I'm not a stickler for the hour. While I don't have a 9-5, I'm still just a hobbyist. I've never paid a photographer, and I've never asked one to pay me. I'll just say I can't accept *any* paid work for the reasons above... but it's not that I don't want to. I really, really want to.

Modeling used to be an outlet for me. I enjoyed being part of a creative process. But I find myself with some major deja vu sometimes. I find myself drawn to casting calls for fetish modeling. Lately I only care about money, while I'm still unwilling to compromise my (, at this point, very) basic virtues.

Burlesque has become an outlet for me that modeling can never be. (I imagine I will replace it again in a matter of years.) It's a caricature of sexuality, of society. I can express myself in ways I never will in a photograph, simply because it's a caricature I'm acting out. And if that can't be visible/understood, I'm hesitant to act it out otherwise. If people can be willing to embrace my version of sexuality and what it means to be sexy, I'm totally down to share it. I don't understand what's so wrong about that.

Earlier tonight I let slip the term "nipple legislation," in regards to county and city laws requiring pasties in strip clubs. I find such laws extremely foolish and antiquated; who the hell are these laws representing? If the female nipple is such a symbol of evil, God help me, not even the men "exploiting" strippers agree. And if someone should want embellish their tits, why stop them?

Act for Cupcake Cabaret's Open Auditions - "Kill My Boyfriend"

I want to embellish mine. I want to decide when I can be sexy, and not just because males have decided on the norm. I want to be photographed doing so.

I can pretty much guarantee you probably won't get me to open my legs more than 45 degrees for a picture. Or lie on my back rubbing something ("something" onstage being a hamburger) sensually over my body. But hey, fine. Some of the nice photographers that have made it as far as my blog have responded positively in regard to exploring my gender expression. Maybe more will respond with interest to my burlesque characterizations. That's why I'm writing about it.